


crush

by sweet_poeia



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician), American Idol RPF, Kris Allen (Musician)
Genre: James Bond - Freeform, M/M, Romantic Comedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-09
Updated: 2011-05-09
Packaged: 2017-10-19 04:30:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/196893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweet_poeia/pseuds/sweet_poeia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam is cast as Bond, James Bond.  Kris has issues with the Bond Boys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	crush

**Author's Note:**

> Beat by Susysunflower.

“But you’re not really an actor.”

Adam blinked.

“I mean...congratulations.”

Adam laughed.

“No, seriously, you’re perfect. The first gay Bond? Wow.... And you’re sure this isn’t--”

“It’s not a porno! It’s the real thing. The producers want to take the franchise in a new direction.”

“I’ll say.” Kris studied his husband. “I don’t have to tell you that there’s gonna be--”

“A shit storm. Yeah.” Adam shrugged. “What can I say? It follows me. You’re not going to believe the wardrobe.”

“So, uh, who else is in it?”

“What? Oh, the regulars. Judi Dench. John Cleese...“

“Right, yeah, but what about the Bond girls. Um. Boys.”

Adam’s eyebrows rose. “Oh, I get it. You think I’m gonna do a Brad Pitt on you. No way, babe. Oh come on, you never minded the stagegay with Tommy Joe. Same thing.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Kris laughed. “Seriously, though, who.”

“Kris--”

“Who?”

An exasperated sigh. “Well, they mentioned something about Cillian Murphy.” Kris sniffed. “And Daniel Radcliffe is interested.” Kris snorted. “And maybe Jake Gyllenhall, and possibly--”

“What?”

“Yeah, I figured that one might get your attention.”

“But he’s not even your type!”

“Of course he’s not my type. You are my type. Jake Gyllenhall can’t hold a candle.” Adam pulled Kris in by his belt loops, teasing a smile out of him. “Look , if you don’t want me to do it, I won’t do it. Simple as that.”

“What? Did I say I didn’t want you to do it?”

“Well, no, but--”

“No, you should do it. Of course you should do it. If you want to.” Kris considered for a moment. “Wow. Bond. That’s...you know, you’re not even English.”

“You know what, you’re right, I shouldn’t--”

“No, do it! You should do it. I want you to do it.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Kris grinned. “I get to sleep with 007. Wait ‘til I tell Daniel.”

“Tell him tomorrow.” Adam walked him backwards in the direction of the bedroom.

“Tell who what?” Kris murmured as they tumbled onto the bed.

 

***

 

Filming for License to Thrill didn’t start for almost six months, but there was still plenty to do. Adam rerecorded “Soaked,” which would play during the title sequence. He also had to learn fencing and tae kwon do, and he couldn’t resist gloating just a little (see, I told you this was a real Bond movie) while Kris rubbed his sore muscles every night. And just as Kris had predicted, there was the requisite shit storm. James Bond, the pinnacle of masculinity, homosexual?

Bill O’Reilly wept openly on the air.

Mama Allen tweeted, Honestly, are any of y’all surprised?

Neil replied, So that’s why the villain was named Blofeld!

Adam just continued to smile and look devastating as the cameras flashed.

 

***

 

The favorite sport of both supporters and detractors was speculating about possible love interests. Not since the search for Scarlett O’Hara had the casting of a movie been such big news, and every name from Brad Pitt to Justin Beiber was in the headlines at some point. “Who will be in Glambert’s bevy of boys?” asked Entertainment Weekly. Kris read the article with a furrowed brow. Really, it was like they had forgotten Adam was married. A guy had feelings.

For his part, Adam was primarily interested in the wardrobe. The costume sketches he brought home were pretty spectacular, Kris had to admit, and it was really nice of them to let Adam bring home the feather cape and mask from the circus scene fitting session that one time, although it had kind of tickled.

The names of the lineup started trickling in: Chris Colfer, Johnny Weir, Orlando Bloom, Taylor Lautner.

Kris frowned. “That vampire guy?”

“Werewolf. Really, Kris. You should read more.” Adam cracked up when Kris snapped him with the towel before he continued drying his back. “He’s a nice kid,” Adam said absently. “Kind of young, though. I mean, he just turned twenty-one. Doesn’t that make 007 creepy?” Adam had been a little concerned about appearing creepy ever since he turned thirty.

“I think it’s kind of expected for Bond to rob the cradle.”

Never one to stint on research, Kris watched Twilight on demand and breathed a sigh of relief. Then he watched New Moon and drank five beers and a half bottle of Pepto Bismol.

The real nausea didn’t set in until the leading role was announced: Chace Crawford as “Goldenrod.” Perez was kind enough to tweet it to Kris. “Dick,” Kris muttered under his breath as he deleted it.

That afternoon, he met Brad for lunch at Mirasol. Brad had a small part in License to Thrill as an infatuated bellhop named Twinkle. Kris was just fine with that. He kind of wished Brad had gotten the main part and told him as much.

“You and me both, honey,” Brad sighed. “But pictures of Adam kissing yours truly are not exactly newsworthy these days, and let’s face it, Cheeks wouldn’t sell nearly as many tickets as Gossip Boy.” Brad peered at Kris over his mojito. “You can’t seriously be worried about this. Oh, sweetheart. Adam doesn’t cheat. Adam can’t cheat. It’s wired into his DNA or something.”

“I know that. Of course I know that, it’s not about--it’s just the thought of them touching him, I just get all--” Kris poked a tortilla chip into bits with the plastic monkey from his frozen margarita. “I know I’m being stupid. I mean, this Crawford guy, he’s not even gay.”

Brad was quiet, intently examining the edge of the tablecloth.

“Brad?”

“Hmm?” Brad looked up, eyes wide and innocent.

“Tell me.”

“Oh, it’s nothing. Blowing Cass at a party doesn’t mean--”

Kris’s head thunked as it hit the table.

“Oh look!” Brad chirped. “The tamales are here!”

 

***

 

When Adam got home from his production meeting, Kris was sitting up in bed working on lyrics. Adam flopped down next to him.

“Hey, babe. Long day?” Kris reached to smooth the hair off his forehead.

“Mmm. Who knew movies were so hard?” Adam stretched. “What are you working on?” He leaned against Kris’s arm and studied the words. “Is this for the ballad?” Adam softly hummed the melody; he always remembered everything Kris played for him. “That’s beautiful. I really like this part.”

“Thanks. Yeah, I think we’re gonna go into the studio with it Tuesday.”

“We start shooting Tuesday, too. Hey, did I tell you I get to fight a polar bear? I win.” Adam crossed his arms and beamed.

“Of course you do, babe. Of course you do.”

“They finally finished casting. Oh, oh, oh!” Adam sat up. “Katy Perry is Moneypenny! Brilliant right? We’re gonna have so much fun.”

“Oh, hey, that’s great. Yeah, I heard something about the casting. So, that guy that used to be on Gossip Girl. Chace.”

“Yeah.” He rested his head back against Kris’s arm. “Hey, I was wondering if that would bother you or something. You know, because I used to say him in interviews when they wanted to know who I thought was cute? Back before I got to say Kris Allen.”

“Well. You said Kris Allen sometimes anyway,” Kris pointed out.

“And got my ass chewed by Lane. So, does it? Bother you? Because you know, it shouldn’t.”

“Nah. It doesn’t bother me.”

“Good.” Adam gazed up at him with a goofy little smile. “I really like the way you look in your glasses. Like Clark Kent. Or an accountant. Accountants are sexy.”

“Yeah?” Kris thought of their accountant, 60 year old Mrs. Patel, but he didn’t say anything.

“Yeah. So, I’m going to take a shower. And maybe when I get out you’ll still be wearing the glasses.”

Kris shrugged. “Maybe.” He went back to his writing.

Adam pressed a kiss to Kris’s arm before he disappeared into the bathroom. When the door closed, Kris let the grin break over his face as he padded off to the closet to find a white dress shirt and his blue striped tie.

 

***

 

Despite a standing invitation to visit the set, Kris managed to avoid doing so for the first week. Then they were on location for eight days, first in Venice, then Prague. Adam called frequently (with apparent disregard to time differences) and Kris gathered that a lot of action sequences were being filmed.

“I told him I didn’t need a stuntman for the gondola-on-fire scene. I mean, compared to what I had onstage last tour it was barely enough to toast a marshmallow! And it’s not like we weren’t surrounded by water, right? But they insisted. Insurance, blah blah blah.”

“Mmm.” Kris squinted at the bedside clock. 3:16.

“Although it’s a good thing they’re using a double for the long shots in the ice skating scene tomorrow. Otherwise it would look like Blades of Glory 2,” Adam admitted. “By the way, I think Johnny was really disappointed you didn’t come. He keeps asking about you, and I overheard his boyfriend saying that Johnny voted for you, like, 200 times.”

“No kidding?” Kris tried to wrap his brain around that one. Wow.

“Hey, is it late there? I didn’t wake you up, did I? Shit. I’m sorry.”

“Nah, it’s OK.” Kris stretched. “So, did you buy me a present yet?” Adam always bought him presents when he traveled.

“Kristopher. I’m in Italy. What are the odds that I haven’t been shopping? You’re going to look amazing. I can’t wait to dress you when I get home. And undress you.”

“Why wait?” Kris asked suggestively.

“You always have the best ideas.”

 

***

 

When shooting resumed in LA, Adam sweet-talked Kris into visiting the set for Johnny’s surprise birthday party. “It’s not like you have to jump out of a cake. Although...” Kris shot him a look. “I’m kidding. Just show up, all right? It would mean a lot. Besides, I want you to meet everyone.”

Kris finally agreed. He showed up at the set in his new Italian leather jacket, just in time to see Johnny blow out the candles. When Johnny saw Kris, he actually squealed, to Kris’s great embarrassment, but everyone else seemed to find it adorable, even Johnny’s boyfriend Roger, who insisted on a picture with the two of them flanking Johnny.

“Hmm,” Brad remarked later. “Something tells me those two have a plaid shirt in their naughty chest.” Kris flushed again. “Oh, come on! It’s cute to have a celebrity crush. It’s common knowledge that you think Jake Gyllenhall--”

“Is a very good actor!” Brad just raised an eyebrow. “Well, that was before I was with Adam,” Kris finished weakly.

“So no desire to reenact the Brokeback Mountain scene where--”

“Can we just change the subject?”

“Sure, cupcake.” Brad squeezed his shoulder fondly. “Well, look what the cat dragged in.”

Chace Crawford had made his entrance. Kris couldn’t help noticing the distaste on Brad’s face as they watched him work the room. This was surprising, since Brad got along with pretty much everyone. Before long, Chace had wormed his way into the corner where Adam was involved in a heart-to-heart with Judy Dench, and soon Adam was gesturing them over.

Adam tucked Kris under his arm as he made introductions. “Judy and Chace, you remember--”

“Chad, right?”

“That’s right! How sweet of you to remember little old me,” Brad simpered.

“Brad Bell,” intoned Dame Judy. “How lovely to see you again, darling boy.” She shot a cold glance at Chace.

Adam continued, “And this is my husband, Kris.” The pride in his voice warmed Kris to his toes.

“Ma’am, it’s an honor,” Kris began, but Judy serenely interrupted with, “Nonsense, the pleasure is all mine. Adam is positively gaga about you, and I can see why. Quite lovely, and talented too. Now, if you will excuse me, I believe I need a bit of fresh air.”

Concerned, Adam immediately offered her his arm, and they moved toward the veranda.

The three of them watched in silence as Adam and Judy walked away, and when Kris finally turned to Chace he was taken aback by the expression he saw on his face. Glazed. Hungry. Kris cleared his throat.

Chace snapped out of it and arranged his (admittedly handsome) face into a camera-ready smile.

“So Kris!” he said brightly. “You and I have something in common; it seems we’re both Adam’s type.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “I hear you’re trying to be a singer! Country music is really big these days. You shouldn’t let your height keep you from going for it. Chad here didn’t, and now he’s in a movie! Right Chad?”

Kris shifted uncomfortably.

“We have high hopes for Kristopher,” said Brad. “Of course, he’s made a pretty good start already, what with the platinum albums, three Grammys, and a sold out national tour last summer. Now if you’ll excuse me, I believe I need a bit of fresh air.” Brad solemnly offered his arm to Kris, who took it, and they went to the bar.

“Wow,” said Kris.

Brad sighed. “There’s one in every group. Cass liked him, but that’s probably because Chace’s mouth was full the entire time.”

“Was it my imagination, or was he looking at Adam like--”

“Like a shark looks at fresh seal meat? Not your imagination.”

“Oh. So, is that what you would call a, uh, cute celebrity crush, or--”

“Or. Definitely.” Brad shuddered. “Unpleasant to witness, but I maintain that you haven’t got a thing to worry about. Except maybe cooties.”

They drank in silence for a few minutes, watching Johnny Weir, Taylor Lautner, and Katy Perry do a pretty good karaoke rendition of “Rock Lobster.” Adam appeared behind them, wrapping his arms around Kris.

“Judy’s knitting us matching scarves. Do we want green or blue?”

Kris kissed Adam’s cheek and looked into his shining eyes.

“Blue.”

 

***

 

Kris didn’t mean to stalk the set or anything. It just so happened that several important things came up that week. One day Adam left his iPod at home, and Kris knew that he needed it to relax between scenes. Then Daniel was visiting, and there was no way he was going to miss visiting the set of a James Bond film. And today there was that really important message from Leila about his cousin’s Rachel’s bat mitzvah, and Kris knew that Adam had turned his phone off. It was just one of those weeks. It had nothing to do with the fact that this week they were filming the scene with the pool. Nothing at all.

Adam was invariably delighted to see him, and Kris was always sort of amazed to see Adam in action. He looked remarkably at home in a tuxedo, sipping a vodka martini as Chris Colfer sang a torch song, or in the jungle with Orlando Bloom, wielding a machete. Kris had gotten to know both of them at the party, and he didn’t mind it too much when the script called for Adam to extract a ruby from Orlando’s belly button with his tongue.

It was only when Goldenrod entered the scene that the awful, tight feeling invaded, that burning ball in the pit of Kris’s stomach.

Chace pranced onto the set in a tiny gold Speedo, climbed to the top of the diving board, and awaited the call for action. Kris watched as he dove into the water, swam the length of the pool, and walked up the steps into 007’s waiting arms. Bond cupped Goldenrod’s gilded cheeks and squeezed while Goldenrod said, “Oh, James, behave!” Kris braced himself for the kiss.

“Cut!” yelled the director, and Kris heard him mutter something to his assistant about the need for more padding.

Chace took his time peeling himself away from Adam, straightening his tie and running a hand along his chest. Adam smiled politely and moved away to the makeup station. As Chace rippled past Kris on his way to the dressing room for a dry Speedo, he smirked. “You might not want to stick around, Kris. Could get pretty steamy.”

The glare Kris leveled at Chace would have put DeNiro to shame. His chest heaved and his fists clenched, and he was just about to go after Chace and strangle him with his bare hands when he felt the weight of Adam looking at him. He turned to see stricken blue eyes and brows raised in question.

Kris faltered. Before he could react, Chace reappeared at the foot of the diving board (with noticeably enhanced package) and the assistant director called for places.

Once again, he dove. He swam. He shimmied up the steps and plastered himself against Bond, who...tentatively put his hands on Goldenrod’s shoulders and reached down to give him a quick peck before nervously glancing in Kris’s direction.

“Cut!” yelled the director. “What the fuck?”

There was a flurry of activity as the assistant director explained the situation in hushed tones and an indignant Chace was hustled off for yet another toweling-off and dry Speedo.

Adam looked shaken and uncertain as crew members repaired him with powder and blow dryers. He gazed helplessly at Kris. That was it. That was more than Kris could bear.

He took a deep breath and approached the director. “Excuse me? Um...if I could just have a few minutes alone with Adam, I think we can get this all straightened out.”

The director ran his hand through his hair and nodded. “All right, fine. Whatever it takes, just do it. This movie is not going to make it on the action scenes alone. We need se-- um. Romance.”

Kris nodded, Adam was freed from the costume brigade, and they escaped to Adam’s dressing room.

The door closed. “Kris, why didn’t you say something? I told you from the very beginning I wouldn’t do this if you didn’t want me to.” He looked hurt.

“I know you did. I know. It’s just--I just never imagined it would feel like that, you know? To see somebody touching you. Not just somebody. Him.”

“Baby.” Adam drew him close. “He’s such an ass. I saw the way he was talking to you. Seriously, I would rather kiss Danny Gokey at this point.”

Kris chuckled against his chest. “Yeah. I know that. I do. But here’s the thing. You need to do this. And you can do this. Because,” Kris leaned back to look in Adam’s eyes, “you’re an amazing actor. And I’m really, really OK with it now. I promise.”

Adam was still for a moment, then he nodded. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure. And one more thing.” Kris pushed Adam back, pressed his arms against the door, and gave him the kiss of his life, long and deep and filled with everything that was in Kris’s heart. When Kris finally pulled away, Adam looked completely dazed and they were both breathless. When Kris could speak, he said, “The sooner you can wrap up this scene? The sooner we get to go home.”

Ten minutes later, Goldenrod was diving into the water. He swam the length of the pool and shimmied up the steps. Bond gazed at him with fire in his eyes. He pulled him close, caressing his golden cheeks, then bent him backwards in a deep, passionate kiss. Goldenrod’s knees buckled, and Bond lifted him effortlessly and turned to carry him up the blue velvet staircase.

“Cut! And it’s a wrap!” the director called gleefully.

“That’s my boy,” Kris said under his breath.

“That was amazing,” purred Chace, leaning in to nuzzle Adam’s ear.

Adam turned, walked back down the stairs, and tossed Chace in the pool. “Give me one minute,” he called to Kris before he raced to the dressing room, shedding tie and jacket on the way.

Kris knelt by the side of the pool as a confused and irate Chace spluttered. “A little steamy?” Kris smiled. “You have _no_ idea. No. Idea. And you never will.”

Adam reappeared, yanking up his second boot, and they left without a backwards glance, the cheers and catcalls of the crew echoing all the way to the parking lot.

 

***

 

License to Thrill was a box office smash, thanks in large part to the Glamberts who attended repeatedly and in droves. Theater audiences were overwhelmingly female, but after the film was released on dvd and blu ray, Amazon reported that 93% of first-day buyers were males age 16-45.

Adam declined to do future films in the franchise, preferring to focus on his music instead. Zachary Quinto became the second American to play James Bond, starring opposite his admitted “celebrity crush,” Chris Pine.

Chace Crawford went on to star in the least successful season ever of The Bachelor.

To celebrate the success of his first and last action movie venture, Adam bought Kris a yacht. Mostly he just wanted to see Kris’s reaction when Kris came down to the bedroom to find Adam wearing nothing but a captain’s hat.

Adam spoke in his best British accent. “For your eyes only, darling.”

Kris stripped off his shirt and crawled up the bed.

“Oh, James. Behave.”


End file.
